After combatting Postpartum Depression in 2017, I remained in counseling. It was like I finally HAD to open up about things and realized I could benefit from that openness outside of postpartum. It was really helpful to sort through life with the phenomenal counselor I met with. She made me feel like I was having coffee with a good friend..except I did all of the talking.
Life was good. We were running out of things to chat about. My appointments started getting further and further apart.
And then out of nowhere, Depression crept back in.
All of a sudden, life felt impossible.
I struggled to find joy in my day. I felt insecure about who I was as a wife and mother. I felt that all too familiar voice haunting me and reminding me I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t deserve life, my family would be better off without me. I thought my war with depression was over, but I found myself tucked away in my son’s room, watching him go down his slide and feeling so much love for him, but no joy. It didn’t melt my heart when he smiled. I was in the room but I wasn’t paying any attention to what he was doing-I was much too consumed with despair.
I hated myself for that-for being so trapped in my own head that I wasn’t able to feel present in such a moment.
My emotions compounded and I found myself on the suicide hotline, begging for a reason to want to be alive. I know that I’ve been blessed with a beautiful life, but feeling unsettled made me feel like I was ungrateful for what I’d been given and I didn’t deserve to enjoy it anymore.
I rushed into counseling the next day, was ordered to stop all medications, and had to ask my husband to babysit me until I sorted things out.
Yep. It was that bad.
Fast forward a week.
I was facing withdrawal from my medication and road tripping to see my husband’s family for Easter. Something about getting out of the house made me feel less “on-edge”.
My husband and I spent the drive home talking about our plans for the future. We agreed that it’d be nice to give Luca a sibling in a little over a year. My husband pointed out that a pregnancy wouldn’t surprise him the next time since we’d planned so carefully. Ha, the irony of that…
The next day I found out I was pregnant! We were in shock but completely over the moon excited for what God had in store for our family. Luca was going to be a big brother! We spent that day talking non-stop about the baby.
The excitement was short lived.
I woke up the next morning and something was definitely wrong. An ultrasound revealed that I was having a miscarriage.
Another child in heaven.
As devastating as this loss was, my husband and I had a greater sense of peace about it than we did when we lost our first pregnancy. Luca was our living proof that God had a plan and would carry it out despite what felt like great devastation. We were incredibly sad, but looked at the loss as an opportunity to prove we trusted in the greater purpose.
We agreed to take some time before trying again, as even this baby was not planned!
When I met back up with my Dr and told him I had been pregnant and lost the baby, suddenly everything added up. He, my counselor, and I were all perplexed by my sudden bout of depression but the fluctuating hormones helped make sense of it.
Right before I found out I was pregnant in 2015, I experienced a similar period of severe, unexplainable depression. We lost that baby also.
It’s like my body knew there was life inside that just was not going to make it.
My body was sad before my heart even knew what was happening. Both times.
Just 30 days after we lost our most recent pregnancy, we found out we were expecting again-and we were in complete shock! Now I’m 37 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby and feeling thankful that God allowed me an opportunity to show I could trust His timing and His plan for our family. I’m so excited to meet the child God meant for us to have. 💕