If I’m being honest, my life is about as put together as my toddler’s wooden puzzle: 3/4 pieces missing, probably for good. One piece in-tact, but chewed on, ink fading..I’m pretty sure it got peed on at some point. You get the picture.
BUT does this chaos in my life make me less than? DOes it render me “unusable”? Probably not.
Our Pastor shared a wonderful quote this morning:
“God does not call the equipped, he equips the called.”
And for the first time in a long time, I felt compelled to jot that down. Then a quick internet search led me to a few verses in the Bible:
26 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called.Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him. 1 Corinthians 1:26-29 NIV
WHEW. I often feel like the circumstances I’ve faced, my response to them, my uncertainty, and my personality all add up to determine that I am NOT one to serve others. And holding that opinion of myself is what led to the end of my blog, the deleting of all depression related posts, and the focus on my artwork. Aside from feeling ill-equipped to share personal stories in the hopes of inspiring and reaching others, blogging helps put my thoughts into words–but serves no monetary purpose and arguably is not worth the time of a busy Mama.
But maybe I’m not ill-equipped. Maybe, what the depression sufferers, the miscarriage survivors, the new Mamas currenty having their world shaken upside down by kids, is someone who knows those hurts, and navigates them daily. For awhile, I lost sight of the value of my experience, and I deemed myself unworthy to share the TRUTH in spite of social(media) expectations. I decided that despite feeling called, blogging was not worth compromising my dignity by sharing incredibly personal details of my life. I decided it was not worth eventually having to talk to my children about the realities their mother faced when they were young.
A chance encounter with a woman who has been inspiring me for the last ten years has set me straight. She referenced my blog and applauded me…telling me I’m “amazing”. As she said this, I felt disbelief-because this woman has been inspiring me for years. She has risen out of circumstance to raise a beautiful, thoughtful, strong little girl. This woman is conquering demons and hardship left and right. I’ve often scrolled by her posts, reminded of the beauty and strength that is able to rise from ashes.
But I could never be inspired by her story if she didn’t share it. I wouldn’t know that people really do face the hardships she has faced, and I wouldn’t realize the beauty that could come from it.
God has been tugging at my heart to change something up for awhile, and I’m certain my place for this time is to share the personal truths of my journey in this world. 1. Because I’m willing. I really enjoy writing and putting it all into words-it’s super therapeutic. 2. I’ve been able to speak with women during Postpartum Depression because they know that I have experienced it. I’ve been able to reach out, remind them they are loved, and encourage them to seek professional help. All important lifelines in the midst of such darkness. 3. I do not believe that I am the best person for this job. I don’t know that I consider myself “stable” enough to guide anyone else…but that is not my intention. I really believe God can use what I have to say to help others who face similar demons, or even just to offer them a lifeline for when they do. I want to be a light for God, but I cannot do that if I’m hiding from it myself.
If you’re reading this, I encourage you to do the same-embrace what God is calling you to do for His kingdom. God chooses imperfect people to carry out his perfect plan. Stop thinking you’re unworthy-Remember that He sent His Son to die for YOU.