To Be, or Not to Be?

Sounds like a cliche quote, but: when depression creeps in, it can be a thought that looms over every minute of every day. A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder following years of counseling, postpartum depression, and explaining the struggles I have faced. This diagnosis followed a period of time when I fell into a deep depression and began to act on suicidal thoughts. I felt like I had lost all control over myself and I was so sure I wanted to die, convinced that it was the ideal outcome for everyone in my life.

I’ve since recovered and accepted my diagnoses, determined to spend the rest of my life fighting it as necessary.

But as I look back on that day and so many before it, I wonder:

Why is it easier to imagine ending my life than changing it?

Why does it feel so simple to end my life than do something drastic to change it?

Wouldn’t I rather give LIVING a shot? Like a real shot, like an “I could die tomorrow” sort of shot.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if those who face depression could take it as a cue to make big changes, to try that much harder, to cut out the toxic parts of life and embrace what makes them happy?

I’ve read that depression can be used as a sign that something about our actions does not align with our ideals/end goals. And I find that so interesting.

It has led to a lot of self discovery and embracing a few new things in my life that bring me joy. It has prompted me to push myself to get more involved at church and build up the positives in my life while I explore some new interests.

Being a Mom is the greatest joy of my life, but I do feel like there is so much more to my story that I have yet to fulfill. Something is tugging at my heart and begging me to live out some big dreams. The struggle is: I’m not really sure what those ‘dreams’are. I’m ready to do something big-but raising children is the big thing I’ve always yearned for. I’m not saying it’s not enough-but I just know there is another element to my story right now, and as someone who felt like I did not deserve to be here, I’m ready to hand my life over to God’s will and live out his purposes for me.

Some of my greatest blessings have followed my greatest lows-lows that helped me readjust and commit to life all over again.

Depression can kill people, in spirit and literally. But it can also propel us forward. And even though it may not feel like it, there IS a choice.


  • “When we reach our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change.”

 

 

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