Since I can remember, I’ve often felt distant from God anytime I’ve done something I knew was not in his “plan” for me. Then I struggle to get back to a place where I feel spiritually sound. How could God love me knowing the things I’ve done, the times I haven’t trusted Him, the times I was less than my best?
My recent stint with postpartum depression had me feeling this way. I lost my trust in God and I really believed he held that against me. I wondered if he’d still want me-was my place in heaven gone?
I grew up in a church that told me missing a Sunday was a ticket to hell. I grew up in a church with a list of rules well beyond the 10 commandments and all were to be followed or I was a terrible person. And I’m not blaming that church or anything-they gave me the gift of faith and the desire to pursue a church that felt like home. But those beliefs are so engrained in me, that even after 10 years of hearing about how much God loves me, even in my worst moments, I’ve struggled to believe it.
I’m sure I’m not the only one.
It’s hard to fathom a love beyond what we can offer to or receive from others-but that is God’s love for us.
I think being a mom has made it a little easier to understand, in the sense that while my kids can drive me completely crazy sometimes, and they don’t always listen or do what I want them too, obviously I never stop loving them.
The Bible tells us:
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
I’m not suggesting we live our lives in a carefree, world worshipping way with the knowledge that God will still love us. But my stumbles in life, my moments of doubt-God knew I’d experience these things, He knew all of us would-and he still sent His son to die for us.
There’s some quote that makes it’s away around saying something to the effect of: if we feel distant from God, it’s not Him who has moved. Despite reading it often, I struggle to put that thought into practice and act accordingly.
God’s love is right there, all we have to do is accept it. Peace, hope, salvation-more than we could ever fathom, is all there for the taking, we need only to open our hearts.